The end of the year

My goal for the end of the year was to be able to take some time off over my kids’ Christmas break without the constant feeling that I should be working. So November was “Enough trying to do everything at once, already!” month. My priority was work and almost everything else just had to give—hobbies, reading, taking photos, staying in touch with faraway friends. And blogs, both the reading and the writing of (my blog reader has given up trying to keep track of how behind I am, telling me only that I have a total of “1000+” unread posts in the blogs I subscribe to).

There are almost no pictures on my camera between this one

Taken October 25, 2008, in Burnaby, BC.

and this one.

Black bench, white snow. Taken December 19, 2008, in North Vancouver, BC.

Due to the hell-inducing project mentioned in my last post, “Enough trying to do everything at once, already!” month spilled over into December, merging with “Enough Christmas mayhem, already!” We’ve never been a family for consumeristic Christmases, but this year we scaled back yet again. Between work, the cold that never ends (please let it end soon; I’m tired of coughing), the usual slew of Christmas performances to attend, and being snowed in, there just hasn’t been time for as much shopping or for writing so many Christmas cards.

The result of all this is that, for the first time in years, there are no longer several large projects pitching battles for space in my schedule. I’m starting the new year with a reasonable amount of work and a much-improved ability to say no to my clients when I need to. This is one of the most important outcomes of my Year of Living Differently.

Because of the unusual amount of snow we’ve been getting, most of my time off has been spent shovelling, learning how to put chains on the car, and crossing my fingers that we’ll be able to drive to within walking distance of the house whenever we go out, but still—time off! Just like I used to be at the end of every term during my ridiculous number of years in university, I’ve felt a little lost, at loose ends, not sure what to do first.

The intensity of my work over the last couple of months has also made it hard for me to write. Sometimes spending so much energy on other people’s words makes it difficult for me to find my own. And I’ve been going through some adolescent blog-angst, wondering whether I should combine my blogs or even whether I should start blogging again at all.

As the year comes to an end, though, I’m finding my feet. I’ve taken some pictures. I’ve done some knitting. I’ve slept a lot. And now I’m planning for the new year.

Enough, already!--Month eight

Well, here I am being completely wordy on Wordless Wednesday yet again. It’s the eighth month of my “Enough, already!” project and this month—strange as it may sound—I’ve decided say “Enough reality, already!”

I don’t know if I can explain this clearly, although it makes sense in my own head. It’s based on two concepts I’ve come across in several different places. The first is acting “as if”—the idea is that if you don’t know how to do something, or don’t want to do it, you act as if you can or you want to until you learn how or start enjoying it or get it finished. The second is the idea that your experience of what is going on around you is heavily affected by the filters you see it through, and those filters are based on your past experiences, your relationships with others, and so on. I’ve heard this idea before but lately I’ve been coming across it over and over: online, in magazine articles, in books. I’m taking it as a message from the universe (self-centered, aren’t I, thinking that the universe is sending me messages again?).

I’ve been trying this out to see how I can use it. Take, for example, walking. Not the actual physical act of walking—even though I’m a total klutz and have been known to trip on air, I’m pretty successful at walking most of the time. For the past few years I’ve been wanting to exercise more by going for regular walks. But I don’t have the time. Really, truly, if I compare all the things I have to do with the amount of time in the day, I do not have time to go for walks—I barely have time to go to the bathroom. But since school started, I’ve been acting as if I do have the time and going right ahead and doing it.

I’ve also been spending more time cooking and crafting and gardening. In reality, I don’t have time for them. But I’m doing them anyway and somehow my schedule is shifting to fit them in.

These concepts work in other ways too. In reality, I’m a person who usually heads straight to the cookie jar for a snack. But now I’m acting as if I’m the kind of person who eats some fruit first. In reality, my sewing room is a cluttered mess, a fact that is often enough to stop me from working on a project. But now I’m acting as if I can find what I need—looking until I do and slowly but surely getting things in order as I look.

I’m refusing to accept the reality that I live with psychotic, plant-killing cats. I potted up some cuttings from our never-say-die spider plant and planted seeds for a kitchen herb garden and I will find a way to have plants in my house again (I am staying in touch with reality enough to plant only things that won’t harm the monsters).

I’m also refusing to accept the reality that over the years I’ve become very disorganized. Because I’m acting as if I were the old organized me, I now find myself filing papers instead of piling them on my desk and writing things down instead of trying (and failing) to remember them.

I’m finding that these concepts work well in dealing with people too. If, for example, when I ask my son to take out the garbage, I speak as if I expect him to remember and follow through, he’s more likely to do just that than if I’m thinking “I know he’s going to forget, just like he usually does.” If, when I’m talking to someone I’ve had bad communication patterns with in the past, instead of interpreting this person’s words and actions through the filter I normally use (and reacting accordingly, whether it’s warranted or not) I act as if we are perfectly capable of having a constructive conversation, we are less likely to fall into our old pattern.

So this month I’m going to ignore reality and live in my own happy little world—one in which people are mostly reasonable and cooperative, I’m organized and eat more fruit than cookies, I have time to do the things I love, and, I hope, a few plants escape death by feline.

Enough already--Month seven

The great house decluttering that we started in the summer is progressing—slowly, yes, but progressing nonetheless. This month I’ve decided to declutter by theme instead of by room. We’ve got a lot of paper in this house—books, magazines, patterns, work files, old term papers, kindergarten drawings, scraps with scrawled phone numbers, instruction manuals for things we no longer own. There’s enough paper here to start a serious bonfire (not that I would, since backyard burning is not allowed in our town). My computer, too, is stuffed full of paper of the virtual kind— thousands of old emails, unsorted photos, and outdated files. So this month's “Enough, already!” rallying cry is “Enough information, already!” as I try to keep my head above the piles while I sort, shred, file, give away, and recycle.

Of course, I can’t really say “Enough!” to information. My whole professional life has centered around information and I’m an addict. But what’s the use of collecting knowledge, ideas, and inspiration if it’s all so disorganized that you can’t find those darn instructions for propagating fuchsias or your third cousin’s address or that book (or, in my case, books) on funny word origins when you need them?

Shredding old tax returns is not really my idea of fun. But it’s not all drudgery. Since I can’t give up multitasking entirely, I’m combining this idea with my attempt to make more time for ponytail-requiring activities by going through the humungous file of recipe clippings I’ve been collecting for years and years. I have so many that the file is almost wider than this cat:

Like the general decluttering, this job won't get done in a month. But I'm expecting that by October 1st my recycle bin will be bulging and I'll be well on my way to making better use of the information I decide to keep.

Enough, already!--Month six and Improg word: Sassy

Isn’t it funny how sometimes certain words or themes will keep popping up, almost as if the universe were whacking you over the head, trying to tell you something very important?

Last month I did a calendar journal in which I cut out a word or two for each day. As the month drew to a close and I looked over my calendar, I realized that my month had been kind of boring. It’s not that it was a bad month or a hard month. It was just a rather serious month, and on many days I was hard pressed to think of anything that defined that day other than work.

One of my favorite days was a Saturday late in the month when, without any forethought, I bought a small mountain of blueberries and made jam for the first time in at least a decade. So by the time the month and my calendar were done, I had already decided that in August I would declare “Enough already!” to seriousness and make at least a little bit of time every day for some kind of simple pleasure. Nothing huge, both because I don’t have time on most days for huge and because I do believe that it’s the small things that make for a happy life.

Then, on Sunday, the second day of “Enough seriousness, already!” month, two of the funnest people in the world came to stay with my mom: an old family friend, who is in her 60s, and her 40-year-old daughter. My mom and I hadn’t seen this friend for over 30 years, nor had we been in close contact with her, and we’d never met her daughter, so we didn’t really know what to expect from this visit. As Child One said, “I expected two ladies to come and sit around Oma’s kitchen table for days. I didn’t expect to have so much fun.”

One of the daughter’s favorite words is sassy, so on Monday, I laughed out loud when I saw that this was the newly posted improg word. Oh, Universe, you’re not subtle with your ways of getting your point across, but you are funny.

Over the last five days, we’ve done all sorts of sassy things, from dancing at a free bluegrass concert to stuffing five people—including my 75-year-old mother—into a photo booth in the mall for a raucous picture-taking episode. I’ve laughed more than I usually laugh in six months—the kind of laughing where your legs go wobbly and you think you just might pee your pants. And despite several late nights due to long conversations and despite more than one trip to Dairy Queen, I’ve felt more rested, relaxed, and healthy than I have since I don’t know when.

I was sad to say goodbye to these friends, who are now on their way home. But I’m determined to keep some of their sassiness in my days from now on. Thanks, Universe, for whacking me over the head and reminding me of when I used to do fun things just for the sheer joy of it. Enough seriousness, already. It’s time for some sassiness.

Enough, already!--Month five

Last month’s “Enough, already” theme was multitasking. My experiment in monotasking was illuminating. For the first two weeks of the month I was able to follow my plan very well. Each day I focused on just one of my large work projects, cycling through them during the week. I kept my email closed most of the time and didn’t drop everything when small, urgent jobs came in, but instead allocated time to deal with them. I got way more work done than I normally do—I even got my invoices done for the first time in three months—and I felt much more in control of my time.

Then the last two weeks of the month brought all kinds of end-of-the-school-year activities as well as increased family pressure. The number of interruptions to my work time increased by about a zillion percent. I struggled (unsuccessfully) to get my work done. I went back to feeling scattered. I constantly had a knot in my stomach. In other words, I felt like I usually do: like I’m about to be swallowed alive by demands and worries.

So obviously I’ve learned an important lesson about the better way for me to work.

Now, somehow, it’s July. A couple of weeks ago, my kids and I decided (well, I decided and they agreed) that this would be the summer of getting things done around the house. The theme this month is “Enough stuff, already!” and our motto (well, my motto, since both of them went quite pale at the thought) is “Use it or lose it.” We’ve already started decluttering their rooms, which are much too small for their packratty ways, and I’ve started on the rest of the house.

This theme applies to the yard, too, where we’ve declared “Enough weeds, already!” My work has been so busy this year (and the year before and the year before that and . . . ) that I haven’t been able to keep up with the garden, so this summer I’ve hired the kids to do a lot of the work for me. Child One has recently decided to save up for a Gibson SG guitar—the cheapest used one we’ve seen around here so far is over $900—so he’s motivated.

It won’t be all hard work, though. In the spirit of using it or losing it, we’ll be digging out the games that have migrated to the back of the cupboard. We’ll be setting up the croquet and badminton sets, both of which sat in the shed all last summer. Child Two and I are going to try to use every type of art supply we own at least once before school starts. Our goal this month is not to get rid of everything we own, but to pare it down to the stuff we really want so that we can enjoy it.

And as for my work, I’m definitely taking last month’s lessons to heart.

Enough, already!--Month four

Alright, how the heck did it get to be June?

It’s now the beginning of month four of my “Enough, already!” project. In the first month I declared “Enough, already!” to procrastination. I’ve learned that I procrastinate when (a) I am overwhelmed with things to do, (b) I lack confidence in my abilities, or (c) I am tired. Or (d) there’s a cat on my lap and I just can’t get up to load the washing machine.

The theme of month two was garbage (I mean real garbage, not that the theme was worthless). It’s been pretty easy to follow through on that one and we continue to find ways to cut back.

This brings us to last month, when I was supposed to stop neglecting myself. If this project came with grades, I would get a big fat F. In red ink. With a big circle around it.

Early in the month I could see that this theme wasn’t working, so as I counted the days until May was over and I could stop feeling like an abject failure, I thought a lot about why it’s so hard for me to take care of myself. I have come to the conclusion that I just have too many damn commitments. Other people might be able to say, “Sorry, but I can’t do this thing that I’ve already said I would do,” and maybe I should do that for my own good, but I am who I am (not to mention that I’m self-employed), and that’s something I can’t do unless there is no other alternative.

For me, the answer to this dilemma is a two-parter: (a) finish the things I’m already committed to and (b) stop myself from getting so overcommitted in the future. I blathered on about this in a recent email to Hayley (yes, I may be an editor, but my emails to Hayley really do go on (and on) like this):

I can’t seem to dig out of this hole—or rather this unending warren of tunnels through which I run and run—of having too many urgent things to do and not getting them or the non-urgent things done. It reminds me of partway through a school term when you have big projects to work on and daily homework to do and exams to study for and quizzes every week and it’s all overwhelming. Plus your house is a mess, except for your closets because you’ve been cleaning them out to avoid your overwhelmedness.

So maybe instead of trying to do everything all at once—neverending (OMG, they are NEVERENDING) projects and real life and taking care of myself and blah, blah, blah—maybe I should pretend it’s the end of term, when just the big projects are left but they are HUGE because you didn’t work on them earlier and now you have three weeks to write a publishable-quality paper on Spanish syntax in a theory you don’t really understand, along with three other major papers (real-life example), and all you want to do is knit.

In school, at this point, I had to do whatever it took to get these things done or I would FAIL, because in many of my courses, 100% of the mark was determined by these papers I had left until the last few weeks (dumb, dumb, dumb, but I did get to watch a lot of hockey while avoiding them). That usually meant that only the very necessary non-paper-writing-related stuff got done. All of my other energy was devoted to getting these papers out of my life. Often I worked 14 to 17 hours a day for a couple of weeks straight, including weekends, taking showers whenever I thought I would fall asleep at the computer. And you know what? I pulled it off every time.

So I think I’m at the do-anything-to-get-done point. I obviously can’t do the 14- to 17-hour days and what counts as very necessary non-work-related stuff is much more than it used to be, but what if I stop trying for balance right now and go for the work-your-butt-off-even-if-you-think-it-will-kill-you approach for a few weeks until it’s all done? And then I would be free—free, I tell you!—of these projects. The neverending would be over!

And then I could go for balance, building a schedule from a clean start.

In order to accomplish this, I need focus, so June is “Enough multitasking, already!” month. As a student, and especially as a mother, I developed an amazing ability to multitask, doing things like grading student papers while nursing my son while eating dinner with the TV on. But I’ve noticed lately that multitasking isn’t working so well for me anymore. I have so many things on the go at once that it’s difficult to build up momentum or finish any given project. I feel like I’m constantly flitting here and there and seeing very little progress anywhere (I didn’t mean to make that rhyme).

I’ve been reading a bit about this and apparently studies are showing that multitasking is often inefficient, because so much time and focus is lost switching back and forth between tasks. The growing buzz is now monotasking—doing one thing at a time.

Now, I’m not going to sit down at the computer and work for a month straight. I have a family to take care of and my son is too young and too short to drive his sister and himself to their activities. Plus, having had a blood clot in my leg several years ago, I need to get up and walk around at regular intervals. But during my work time I will concentrate on one job at a time and keep my email closed. I will choose one relaxing or uplifting thing to do during my clot-preventing breaks each day. And I will put the big questions of balance and taking care of myself and fixing up my house aside for one month until I get out from under the shoulder-crushing weight of these commitments.

I have a hunch that if I can once again pull off an end-of-term success while (and this is very important) not taking on too many future commitments, I will be setting myself up for a more relaxed summer than I’ve had for years. Then I can actually enjoy the process of creating balance in my life instead of failing miserably and beating myself up about it.

Enough, already!--Month three

Two months ago I declared “Enough, already!” on the things that I have too much of in my life—physical and emotional time and energy zappers—in order to make room for better things. Since I tend to come up with these ideas and then promptly forget about them, I’m giving each month a theme to help me remember.

In March, I declared “Enough procrastination, already!” and got some long-put-off things done. In April, I said “Enough, already!” to garbage. I put more thought into what I bought and how it was packaged. I looked for ways to reuse or recycle things that in the past we’ve thrown out. I now use up food before it moves to the back of the fridge and evolves into a new life form.

Now it’s a new month—time for a new theme. I kicked around a few ideas: clutter, driving, shopping, blah, blah, blah. But I knew that I was avoiding what I really need to do most—I’ve been avoiding it for years. I concentrate on improving my physical environment or aspects of my personality that are holding me back or my appalling lack of time management skills, but I ignore the engine that runs the machine of my life: me. As I wrote the other day, my emotional underwear is in tatters and it’s because I just don’t take care of myself.

Although I come from a long line of martyrs and I probably sigh more than most people, I don’t ignore my health through some sense of martyrdom. It’s partly due to habit. When I was younger, I spent a lot of time and energy doing things that weren’t good for me, and although my biggest vices now are chocolate and Coke (the kind that comes in a can), I never quite got the hang of treating my body well. And part of it is that, as the saying goes, the squeaky wheel gets the grease; in my busy life of kids, clients, mother, accident-prone cats, endless laundry and grocery shopping, etcetera, I’m not the squeakiest wheel.

I’ve read the women’s magazines and parenting books that tell me that unless I take care of myself I can’t take care of anyone else. I recognize how too much stress and too little sleep, exercise, and proper nutrition affect me (and sometimes, unfortunately, those around me). It doesn’t require a PhD to figure this out—I’ve known it for years. I just need to make it a priority. So this month's theme is "Enough neglecting myself, already!" (not catchy, but the best I could come up with in my present overtired, stressed out, anemic state).

I’m inspired to finally do this by someone near and dear to me (if you’re reading this, you know who you are. Hi! Love you!) who recently made a big decision to put his health and well-being first. The change in him has been amazing.

So I’ve made five promises to myself (not rules, because I’ll rebel against my own authority and break those right away): to get enough sleep, to eat better, to exercise regularly, to spend some time every day doing something I love, and to find ways to reduce and manage my stress level. For this month, as I go about my daily life of work and chores and driving to and fro, I’ll try to listen to my own body and give it what it needs.

Enough, already!—Month two

Last month, in a flash of insight probably induced by eating (rather than selling) too many of my son’s choir’s fundraising chocolate bars, I decided to declare “Enough, already!” to the things that I have too much of or that are zapping my energy, in order to make room and time for the things I want more of. So that I can actually remember that I’ve decided to do this, I’ve planned to give each month a theme.

Last month it was “Enough procrastination, already!” I made a list of five things I’d been procrastinating about and did four of them. The fifth required input from someone else who obviously didn’t get as jazzed about my catchy theme as I did. That’s okay, though, because this isn’t about perfection (I keep telling myself), and I got several other left-on-the-back-burner things done as well. I’ve also become more aware of when I’m about to procrastinate and why I do it. For example, I put off preparing my invoices because (a) I usually feel like a big faker who can’t possibly deserve being paid and (b) I hate asking people for money. So now I’m on the road to improving my procrastination habit.

This month my theme is “Enough garbage, already!” I recently took a trip to the local dump, which was surprisingly—both to me and to the people who saw me cry—traumatic. I’m not sure why I reacted so strongly. I grew up close enough to my hometown dump that we could hear the hum of the bulldozers (when the hum of the freeway and the roar of the airplanes overhead weren’t too loud). I used to go there periodically with my dad and, as far as I remember, I didn’t cry then. And it’s not like I’m unaware that people throw things away. But for whatever reason, this trip got me to thinking about garbage in a serious way.

For this month’s “Enough, already!” I’m going to interpret the theme of garbage broadly. First, there’s the physical garbage—what we bring into our house and what we get rid of (and how we do it). Second, there’s the garbage I put into my body (see “empty box of fundraising chocolate bars” above). While it’s not entirely the same kind of garbage I put into my body in my youth, it’s still not good for me. And third, there’s emotional garbage taking up too much room in my life. Some of it has been rotting for years and new stuff gets produced regularly. It’s time for it to go.

After reading my post on going to the dump, Margerie emailed me to suggest that I start a “Green Friday” post of environmental tips. She said she could sense my passion for the subject, which might have been a diplomatic way of saying, “It’s not normal to cry at the dump, you dork!” I love this idea, but as I said in that post, even though we’ve been trying to live in an environmentally friendly way for decades (ouch), I’m no expert. So maybe you all can help me by posting your own tips or sending me suggestions. Not one to procrastinate (ha!), I will start this Friday.

Enough, already!

The other day a thought—I can’t remember just what it was—went through my head for the gazillionth time and I said to myself, “Enough, already!”

English is a foreign language for at least one of my hundreds of dozens of three regular readers, so I’ll explain that this phrase expresses exasperation. When siblings have been endlessly arguing over whose turn it is to clean the litter box, their mother might shout, “Enough, already! That box better be clean before dinner or you’ll both be on litter box duty for the rest of your lives.” When a group of friends has been wandering around the video store for half an hour trying to decide what to rent, one of them might say, “Enough, already! Why don’t we just admit that we all want to see Saturday Night Fever one more time?” (By the way, the latter is not a true-life example. Neither is the former, as Child One can’t go within 10 feet of the litter box scoop without gagging.)

When I said “Enough, already!” to myself, it was a light-bulb moment. My head was filled with all the things I have enough of in my life: stuff (especially certain categories of stuff), clutter, stress, disorganization, disappointment, negative people, procrastination. I could go on, but it’s a bit overwhelming. And I thought of all the things I definitely don’t have enough of: furniture (we left much of ours behind during our last big move and haven’t replaced it yet), organization, fun, time spent doing what I love to do, and so on. I kept trying to add yarn to that list, but I knew I was lying.

Like the mother who just wants the litter box cleaned, I’m exasperated with many aspects of my life right now. When I think about it, the whole idea of my Getting My Shit Together Project (started in September) and its subproject, the Year of Living Differently, was borne out of frustration with the status quo. I’m saying “Enough, already! Make your life what you want it to be.”

Because I’ve realized that any life improvement project is easier for me when I give it a catchy title (probably because I’m more likely to actually remember I’ve embarked on a life improvement project instead of making a great plan and promptly forgetting it), I’m going to try something new for March. I’m saying “Enough, already!” to procrastination for the month.

I chose procrastination for a few reasons. First, my procrastination habit has gotten worse over the years, growing from almost nonexistent to a major force, and I’m worried that at this rate, by the time I’m in my 60s I’ll be putting off basic things like eating and getting out of bed in the morning.

Second, procrastination takes a lot of time. There’s the time I spend listening to the infinite-loop to-do list in my head, the time I waste when I’m avoiding doing something I don’t want to do, and the time it takes to remember how to finish something I started weeks ago or to find the things I need to finish it.

Third, procrastination is a big source of stress in my life. Every time I see something I’ve been meaning to take care of or something has to get done in a rush at the last minute or something is forgotten altogether because I’ve put it off, I mentally hit myself in the head and call myself names.

On most mornings in the last couple of weeks I’ve spent half an hour on neglected paperwork before starting work. When I do something that I’ve been procrastinating about, it no longer plays on the to-do list several times a day. I no longer tense up when I think about it, because I don’t think about it anymore. It’s done and it’s gone from my mind!

So I’ve made a list of five things I’ve been putting off that I will take care of this month. Some are bigger and some are smaller, but they’re all things that have been hanging over my head for weeks or months or (I hate to say it) years. I could have listed dozens, but these are the first five that came to mind. When I get them done, I will pick five more. I’m also going to try to recognize when I’m procrastinating about everyday things.

If this works well for me (that is, if, at the end of the month, I don’t stumble across this post and say, “Oops. I forgot I’d planned that”), then I’ll pick another theme for April. My hope is that by declaring “Enough, already!” about the stuff and emotions and habits cluttering up my life, I’ll be making room for the more positive things that I don’t have enough of.